My Diary #180

Dear Tigey,

What a productive week it felt like. More demos, more!

Entry #180 (Mar 02 2025)

Table of Contents

Demoing…
ට  Life
ට  Games
ට  Plushie of the Week #175
ට  Song of the Week #152
ට  Memory Snippet of the Week #159
ට  Dreams

Life

Shiara Day came and went this week without too much of a fuss, just the way I like it. A few well-wishes from family and some friends who knew my date, plus some automated forum software that always send annual birthday wishes, and a few pleasant interactions with friends who had no idea that it was my birthday, which I do like because it helps maintain the “normalcy” of the day, and lots of peace and quiet with a couple days off work

My present to myself came a day or so later when I bought some tea from Harney & Sons’ online website (local), using my nighttime streamer’s affiliate code for 10% off, because a tea with a pretty tin that I was looking at, and that had been out of stock, became restocked this week. So I bought that tea, the Lunar New Year 2025 tin here (local), plus a large tea sampler set, and bit the bullet on the terrible shipping costs to Canada, which cost more than that Lunar New Year tea itself. It cost almost $100 CAD after conversion, but I probably won’t buy from them more than once per year at most, and that’s even assuming I like their tea. That tin looked very nice though, teehee.

I’m also contemplating commissioning some background art from someone to use on my stream, and was actually intending to use THAT as a delayed birthday present to myself before I bought that tea, but I haven’t decided who or where from yet. As yet another birthday present, I also finally took the time to pour some acid cleaner down my bathtub drain to unclog that. That’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while, as it had steadily become more annoying over the past few months, but it never actually came to the forefront of my conscious to-do list. Until now.

The day before my birthday, I also went down to the local Asian supermarkets. I tried to get the angelica root tea that I liked from H-Mart, but it wasn’t on sale anymore! There was a Sunroot Tea box from the same company, Sangrime Tea Company, so I got that instead, and we’ll see what sort of opinion I form about it over time. So far it’s pretty nice. I picked up some Hydrangea Sweet Dew Tea from another company too, and it’s also so far so good for that one. That, plus the Harney tea incoming in a couple weeks, means that I should have plenty of tea now for a while.

While at T&T supermarket, I also saw these giant noodle cups that made me smile and reach for my phone. Didn’t buy them though. How would I even get them home?

Like many Canadians under the current political climate, I’m happily “shopping local” where possible in preparation for USA tariffs and to support Canada in general, and the newspapers have been following this too, and dropping knowledge (local) like the difference between a product being “Made in Canada” (51%+ Canadian content) versus “Product of Canada” (98%+ Canadian content). Meanwhile, the local supermarket near me, Safeway, has designations for Canadian-made food too but doesn’t quite distinguish between the two very well:

There’s at least some designations, but it could be done better. Cynically, I know why they’re very happy to capitalize on this shoppers’ trend too, since they love pushing their in-house Compliments (and a few others) brand of products, and while I’m not sure if they just fall only under the 51%+ or if they qualify for the 98%+ category as well, because I haven’t been back there yet since I read the article, they definitely fall under at least the former, so they get to highlight all their own products under the premise of goodwill. It’s fine though, though I don’t generally like a lot of their products, since I associate Compliments products with a lower quality compared to the regular brands from my experiences with them, but then again they are almost always cheaper too and cheaper often overrides quality and branded goods these days for me.

Because my Games section is already going to be very long this week, I’m moving other game-related news up here to Life instead.

Jah alerted me mid-week that the YouTube uploads of my streams were very pixelated, especially when there was lots of camera movement. I traced this down to OBS recording settings, and had to learn about and play around with the settings and decide what sort of recording I wanted to make. I don’t care about having excellent quality recordings, especially since I’m not playing anything with particularly high-fidelity graphics, but they should be at least decent and watchable. Just so I have a record of my changes in the future to look back on in case everything breaks and gets reset, my Recording settings were automatically set to use a depreciated video encoder:

I changed it to NVENC HEVC:

And set some other settings below:

In particular, people had many different opinions about what to set the Constant QP to, which is the most important number if I was using that Constant QP (henceforth known as CQP) rate control to control quality. The larger the number, the lower quality the recording would be, but conversely the file size will get smaller too. Some people say that increasing/decreasing CQP by 3 halves or doubles the resultant file size, and though I didn’t specifically test the accuracy of that myself, it seems like a good general guideline from playing around with the value. Many people had their own opinions on what to set the number to, some swearing by 18-20, and some going all the way to the low 30s or so. I started at 20, but the file was way too big, so I went down all the way to 32 and noticed some graphical detail loss, but not a whole bunch.

I also learnt how to use Handbreak, a software that I had previously used for burning subtitles into a file, to process videos. In particular, it could also process videos into a specific CQP value, so the workflow I came up with was that I could record at a higher CQP value (like 25), upload that onto YouTube, and then process the file in Handbreak into a slightly lower quality but still very much watchable version (like 32) to archive in my own folders. So YouTube would have the original, and I would have a decent approximation. I still couldn’t make the CQP value too high though, as I have neither the time nor the upload bandwidth to upload and process a 20-50 GB file or something every day after streaming for 3 hours. Plus eventually, somewhere down the line, YouTube is surely going to either end their unlimited uploads or start charging for space used.

(There is also a small contingent of people online who argue that VBR, or Variable Bit Rate, is actually a better rate control option to pick rather than CQP, and theri argument makes sense, but that is a rabbit hole I have not looked at yet.)

Anyway I am still experimenting with what the ideal CQP level for recording is. I’ve been doing off-stream recordings of some Steam Next Fest demos too after adjusting the number and looking at the sizes of those files. I also was reminded that YouTube uses a lower quality codec to process 1080p uploads and a higher quality one to process 1440p uploads, so general lore states to upscale your 1080p videos into 1440p (using Handbreak, again) before uploading them even if the video doesn’t require that, in order to get access to the better codec. I just straight up recorded in 1440p from OBS instead though, while downscaling it to 1080p for the smaller, local storage copy after uploading the original to YouTube, with the idea that if I ever needed the “higher quality” version of the video again for whatever reason, I could retrieve that from YouTube.

I also had to do something about all my previous uploads. My 1000xRESIST stream VODs and my Steam Next Fest demo stream VODs were all still active on Twitch, so I downloaded them all as those were not blocky. They were huge though, even though they were all saved in 1080p. I decided not to bother with upscaling those to 1440p, and just threw them all up on YouTube as is, after using ffmpeg to cut up the videos as needed for days where I played more than one game. The command for slicing videos up without doing any processing was:

ffmpeg -i “input file.mp4” -ss 00:00:00 -to 01:23:45 -c:v copy -c:a copy “output file.mp4”

And I’m sure there are other parameters that I could have thrown in there too to make things slightly better but I really didn’t care. I uploaded those originals to YouTube, then proceeded to cut their quality down to CQP 32 with Handbreak before archiving them locally, replacing and deleting the old blocky recordings that I had.

A lot of my free time later in the week was devoted to this, which was detrimental this week in terms of losing all that time, but was definitely an extremely beneficial thing to learn about and do long-term.

Also stream-related, but outside of video processing, was that Kynji subscribed to my Twitch channel with her free monthly Amazon/Twitch Prime and then demanded to know how much that gave and if the value varied from the other Twitch Prime subscription that I had like how I found regular subscriptions could vary in terms of streamer profit. Unfortunately, it didn’t vary for this Prime sub! Although both of mine were from the USA anyway. I didn’t post the chart last week, but I did actually take a screenshot at the same time of the week as the screenshots from my previous blog posts (between Friday and Saturday’s stream), and last Saturday’s earnings table looks like this:

Whereas this Saturday’s looks like this:

36 cents in ads, y- yay! And $2.25 from that Prime sub.

I also worked on the Shiarapedia wiki a little this week, specifically fixing a long-time bug where everytime I edited a page, it would dump me back on the http version of the page even if I had originally edited it from the https version of the page. The site doesn’t actually allow me to log in from the http version of the page, so to re-edit the page after I would have to go back to the https version and then edit it from there etc. The bug was just that there was this line:

$wgServer = “https://shiarapedia.antarat.com”;

that was pointing to http:// in the LocalSettings.php file, and I toggled that to https:// and I think that fixed it. I also forced HTTPS across the site in general, with “$wgForceHTTPS = true;”, but I don’t think I actually needed to do that once I changed the $wgServer setting. The page I worked with expanding out this week was the page I made to support my streaming activities, at any rate, and I edited and re-edited that page so many times that that bug would have been crippling.

And to cap off this life section again, here are some sky/sunset pictures from the week.

Tue Feb 25, 5:45 pm, windswept skies saying hi on Shiara Day:

Thu Feb 27, 5:29 pm:

And then later on at 6:25 pm, when I briefly paused the stream due to seeing vaguely nice colours outside the balcony door behind my computer monitor:

And lastly, Fri Feb 28 at 5:33 pm:

Games

I didn’t play much outside of my stream this week, since a lot of my focus was spent on either processing videos as explained above, or else looking for new Steam Next Fest demos to prepare or play. I did the occasional CivIdle run, and I’ve now unlocked the “100 hours (or played the demo)” achievement for that game too, that I complained about not getting a couple of weeks ago despite playing the demo. I also played a bit of Esports Godfather and was bowled over by all the changes to the game since I played it last. Arena venue management? Player scouts? Retirement ages? I can now choose the direction my jungler always starts in so red side isn’t always playing from a disadvantage? Hmm! And then there was My Little Universe, a resource farming and upgrading game and not much more than that, but satisfying to muddle around with late at night nonetheless.

But most of the week was spent on Steam Next Fest, and I promised to dump a list of game demos that I played and the scores I gave each one in this week’s blog, so here we go. These scores and brief review snippets are also both on the stream spreadsheet (not listed here yet as the entire thing is publicly editable right now) and the Shiarapedia stream wiki page too, and in case I rewrite my reviews or change my scores slightly, those ones take precedence.

Anyway, this week, I played and recorded my playthrough of these demos (not all of them are strictly from this month’s Steam Next Fest) and sorted them by score:

  • Wanderstop9/10 – Amazing demo. Beautiful graphics, stylish teahouse, great concept and intro, fun characters, perfect length for a demo. Main nitpick would be that controls can be a bit touchy, both in terms of picking things up, holding them, and item interaction. But it’s a nitpick.
  • Deliver At All Costs8/10 – This was a lot more fun than it had any right to be. Destructible physics, fun and voiced narrator and over-the-top characters, great music, chaotic quests, and intriguing vehicle upgrades. Kind of felt like playing GTA: VC again. Main drawback would be the tank controls, but I suspect this is deliberate in order to cause more chaos.
  • FUMEHEAD7.5/10 – I liked this one a lot. Stylish colours and characters, a unique battle phase implementation for the deck that determines what colour cards are eligible to appear that round, consumables that have expiration dates so you cannot horde them too long, a stylish inventory/upgrade menu, a descent into insanity storyline, and a funny post-end-of-demo scene.
  • Moves Of The Diamond Hand7/10 – Fun dice-levelling mechanics and stylish art, though there are some weird decisions like not being able to just use items in inventory to heal yourself directly. Might be possible to get softlocked.
  • MagicCar of Delicious / Gourmet Food Wizard7/10 – I enjoyed this one. Upgrade a little train with towers that you drag around clearing little zones. There’s a night market segment to sell food at too. <3 Though that part is weird, since you can just leave and reenter with no penalty to reset the stall.
  • Promise Mascot Agency7/10 – Smooth, solid demo, with a Yakuza-like weirdness that I like, was voiced in Japanese and even has a vocal song, all great things. Vehicle controls (on keyboard) were a bit too slidey, but might be adjustable. My main worry is that it felt like a weird but ultimately bland minigame collectathon. It will live or die by how good its story is, but that didn’t impress me in the demo. I really like the timed demo concept though.
  • Sylia7/10 – Despite the forced 640×480 fullscreen resolution, some weird text things like characters at the start of some lines not being capitalized, and the perhaps slightly too long introduction gameplay segment, this game was great! I played far more than I meant to. The pet characters were fun and memorable, being able to recruit random monsters was awesome, and the first Sequoia dungeon was cool, while also dropping hints that there were other pets we were missing. I managed to sell my map, that is probably a bug.
  • Duck Detective: The Ghost of Glamping7/10 – Fun, solid, well voice-acted game. Not super simplistic, but not too tough either, it’s more of like a comfort food game, put on your detective hat and follow along with the story. I did dislike occasionally knowing exactly who a deduction was talking about but not having the keyword for it because you have to find and talk to one specific person to get it though, but then again the map does show you what clues you have uncollected.
  • Cubic Odyssey7/10 – Pretty smooth, stylish galaxy-wide Minecraft/NMS inspired game with things like vehicles and spaceships, including what seems to be mobile spaceship bases and such eventually. And portals to go back to any planet bases. I liked the demo quite a bit, minus a few issues like hotbar quirks and the inability to split items. The stars, the colours, the meteor showers, they were great. Can’t tell how repetitive it is later on though.
  • Sultan’s Game6.5/10 – This is a Cultist Simulator variant with similar QoL features from those games, but with a narrative story wrapped around it. Lots of typoes in the demo. Some unclear bits on what cards can be used where sometimes. But very intriguing otherwise.
  • Wordatro!6.5/10 – Balatro with words, and it is exactly what it advertises to be, needs more QoL and powers and stuff but the demo promises that in the full game anyway. Main Menu button really shouldn’t end the current game without warning, demo or no.
  • Yasha: Legends of the Demon Blade6.5/10 – Fairly smooth and very pretty Japanese-themed, Hades-like, action roguelite, though there’s a bit of an animation lag at the end of the attacks that I don’t really like in my action games. No major complaints though.
  • Tales of Seikyu – 6.5/10 – Yokai and cozy Stardew mechanics in a 3D game seems to be a nice match, but there are signs of lack of polish that I hope get addressed. Inventory and the shortcut bars were a chore, at least on kb/m. Some characters clipped through things or stared at walls. It was a 3-day demo so there was nothing like a festival or event to see, those are often the highlights of these sorts of games.
  • Nice Day for Fishing6.5/10 – I like the game and its fishing mechanic, and the NPC banter was quite funny even without knowing about Epic NPC Man, but the game runs the risk of being repetitive and how good it will be will depend on that.
  • Doloc Town6.5/10 – Cozy farming/life sim with a post-apoc theme and a side-scrolling view. There are quite a few almost-familiar-but-slightly-different implementations of systems like the faint/sleep penalty, the need for planters, the sleeping tent that you can build platforms in, portable 15-use boxes, tech trees that require XP levels in multiple tasks, etc. Some I like, some I’m intrigued by, some I’m not sure about. The ambience during the rain is especially wonderful. There’s combat and bosses too, though not in what I played.
  • Cauldron6.5/10 – Wish the UI was a bit better in places, but this one has lots of dopamine — you play minigames to collect items to upgrade your party or upgrade the minigame itself. Pleasant game, funny writing, definitely a great companion game to putter on while doing other things. Multiple game modes for different moods that affect each other, like some powerful upgrades require you to complete X number of game modes. Could use more tooltips and such for the combat part of the game though.
  • As I Began to Dream6/10 – The store description mentions trauma, but the demo never got to the trauma part, and it was fairly easy and straightforward. But it was a cozy puzzle platformer, and if the puzzles eventually get harder then it will be a good game. The rules around the collectibles felt a little confusing.
  • Shadowveil: Legend of The Five Rings6/10 – Roguelite autobattler. I like the idea in general and love the flow, but gameplay was a bit slow, some clicks weren’t intuitive, and I felt like I was fighting the UI here and there while trying to get used to it. I LOVE L5R though. And we didn’t get to see much of the roguelite upgrades, but it apparently is quite good.
  • The Northern Path6/10 – Sledge. Dredge in the tundra with a dog sled and a more peaceful overall vibe. There does not seem to be a food/supplies mechanic, which is fairly different from many other coldlands survival games. Which means you can basically farm tons of money at the start of the game with no penalty. That part’s weird.
  • Save the Villainess: An Otome Isekai Roleplaying Game5.5/10 – Funny/interesting narration style, pretty art, and even a great voiced opening song, but lots of unnecessary and slow animations (skippable though). It’s not “snappy”. I accidentally mixed up save and load twice, annoying menu UI.
  • Skin Deep5.5/10 – Stylish spaceships and weird cat captains! Am worried using props to murder enemies and get rid of heads might feel sameish after a couple of levels, especially with the “easier” ways of killing. The teleporting in the demo was weird too, but assumedly not in full game.
  • Hanako’s Flower Shop5.5/10 – I very much like the concept, but I found the English voice acting and the amount of unnecessary early banter during the “tutorial” offputting, though maybe I was a bit harsh. There’s proper JP voices planned though. The flower collecting segment was buggy too. Things like trait stacking were not explained, at least within the first couple bouquets. I love their volume sliders for each character.
  • Do No Harm5.5/10 – They pile on quite a lot of mechanics and some things like dosages, allergies (and how to get around them), and the meter thing that came in with the wheel were not explained well or seemed inconsistent. Don’t know if that was intentional. Dislike the sanity mechanic where you have to quaff laudanum, because that’s like RNG saying “Hey, here’s a random gold or sanity loss for this customer.”
  • SEDAP! A Culinary Adventure5/10 – It’s a serviceable “restaurant” simulator with stages, using Singapore/SEA-inspired recipes, with the main twist being that there’s a different “outdoor” area connected to the restaurant with each stage. It’s meant for two players and I felt disadvantaged playing alone. The early story is weak. Who am I selling my food to? The island is deserted!
  • STRAND5/10 – What I played of the demo didn’t really show that much, though I really liked being able to pick up and spin/examine so many weird items. I might have gotten softlocked at the end though, not sure. Also the game has FPS issues on higher graphics and looking around can cause motion sickness.
  • Veloria: The Knot of Candles5/10 – I enjoyed this one enough to play it all the way to the end of the demo, but it needs several passes to deal with all the translation issues, punctuation, missing line breaks that made sentences cut off, etc. Classic Asian jank. Some of the puzzles were moderately difficult, with red herrings thrown in, and translation issues hindered a couple of them. Plushie and dog abuse trigger warnings.
  • That’s not my Neighbor4.5/10 – Demo on https://nachogames.itch.io/thats-not-my-neighbor and not part of Steam Next Fest. It was fine, fairly straightforward, demo only contained one level with 7 neighbours to interview. The rotary phone UI was a bit weird.
  • Mayhem Maidens4/10 – Basically Vampire Survivors as a tower defencey roguelite where you control/recruit up to 5 girls (characters from some Light Novel) and protect/upgrade an orb in the middle. Character movement is slow though, and it’s very difficult to switch to/control the characters in the chaos. The melee characters feel a lot weaker too.
  • CraftCraft: Fantasy Merchant Simulator3.5/10 – The crafting is both simplistic and finicky (some unexplained parts) at the same time, but with a bit of polish it could be a lot of fun. Right now, not really. Game is voiced, somehow. There are two buttons at the top that return you to main menu, for some reason. Lost my first character because there’s no confirmation on one of them, and the game crashed soon after.
  • Valkyrie Star: A Cacophony Choir3.5/10 – Combat is missing lots of descriptions like tooltips on buffs/debuffs, some skills and mechanics (like mana/mystique) were partly renamed and had two names, and the story writing was incoherent at times. Nice to see several sort-of henshins though, and the concept in general is intriguing. With polish and an interesting story, could be very fun.
  • Bura: The Way the Wind Blows3.5/10 – Most of the art was decently nice but some (faces, walls) were low-poly, weird and offputting. Lack of decoration and life in village, the “church” was a small empty room. Story was nonexistent and characters twice referred to things that hadn’t happened yet. Interestingly it looks like the full game involves a time skip to an older protagonist. Game gave me vertigo too, partly because FOV slider was hidden, but the controls were not very good overall and hiding acorns in random places is not “rewarding exploration”.
  • Food Wagon3/10 – The adventure part was weak, the graphics and UI were super basic, some Korean signs were not translated, the “roguelike” component felt out of place like they didn’t figure out how to save games, and the only NPCs I found were bugged. But pulling the food wagon around and across bridges and setting up camp and cooking kebabs was evocative of something much greater. I want a better game like this.
  • What Comes Next3/10 – It’s really simplistic, has weird “story” arcs (like when you break into a house to get a shirt for a beggar), you can’t retrieve the mouse after he completes his tasks and returns to the girl, and it overall feels very much like a free game or tech demo.
  • Absurd Story: Back Home3/10 – This demo is held back by a very poor translation effort, but there’s a chance the actual game could be fairly interesting. It looks like the main character is en route to pick up a quirky party and the puzzles are easy in the demo part of the game, except for a part that I wasn’t noticing the ingame feedback for.
  • VIOLENT RUSH – 2/10 – Stylish, but short demo that abruptly ends, no meaningful choices, very questionable content and art.
  • Dragon Heartburn2/10 – A finicky “precision puzzle” game where you are breathing fire and need to navigate through rooms of idiotic workers without killing any of them. There’s a cursor bug in fullscreen, and the fire mechanics and the weirdness around what happens at angles in the game are not what I’d consider fun.
  • My Lil Afterlife2/10 – Felt like a very early tech demo. Graphics were cute, but music was repetitive, inventory/placement was annoying and needs QoL, there’s no reason to craft anything, the dungeon was too short even for a demo, and combat is poorly implemented with line of sight issues, attacks landing before induction bar ends, etc. Also a bug where you can go into decoration mode as the dungeon was loading and you’d end up invisible in the dungeon.
  • qualia2/10 – More an art project than a game. The main menu did warn that the demo was only 5-10 minutes long though. But even as an art project, it’s lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. It needs more interaction than just pressing Human or AI buttons, and it basically doesn’t make full use of the video game medium. The engine was also very weird, with visible menu items up top.

Phew, that was a lot of demos this week. And these are scores for the versions of the demos that I played, and are not necessarily indicative of the final game, some were obviously not final pre-release demos for example, but early vertical slices of gameplay. There’ll be more in next week’s blog, too. Check them out here.

A few of those were played “Afterhours”, or off-stream, partially because I have a larger list of demos I want to play than I feel that I can get through in time for the end of the festival, and I am not sure if many of these demos will be up after the festival, and partially because some genres probably just don’t lend themselves to me streaming them very well, or I’m fairly sure the game will flop but I wanted to try them out nonetheless, so I played them without my usual audience of 2-3 and recorded them anyway, and tossed them into the Demos playlist.

I played (and like/tend to play) a lot of smaller demos “off the beaten path”, not just because they’re the popular demo du jour of the community, and that’s generally something that I’m proud of. Not that I’ll play every weird game I see, or that I won’t play a demo because it’s too popular, but I don’t consider popularity to be a reason that I play a game. In fact, because I uploaded all my playthroughs to my YouTube channel in a Demos playlist as well, some of those videos might well be the only video, or one of a very few videos, made of some less popular games. The Steam Demo Fest, like many other things, is a popularity contest and it can be very, very hard to get noticed. But I’d rather go hunting for gems than play the same 4-5 demos that every other streamer plays because they saw their friends play it, or because they get sponsored to play it. And maybe by making videos on more “unique” games, I might in turn get more views in the online streamer popularity contest and stand out a bit more myself too.

That being said, if a friend of the stream suggests it, I’ll generally try a demo out too, even if offstream, because that means they wanted to see it or they think I’d like it. And so there will still be another week of demos to go at least before I transition back to regular games!

I didn’t end up taking many screenshots because, well, I recorded everything on video anyway, but I will close out this section with a couple that I did take, this one from the end of Moves of the Diamond Hand:

And this one of a double 9-letter word to cap off the end of the Wordatro! demo:

Plushie of the Week #175

Meet Douglas! We don’t really call him Douglas ourselves, and by that I mean that we don’t really call him anything, because we haven’t interacted much if ever with him at all, but that’s what his tag says, so that’s what I will call him in my blog notes too.

He is kinda cute, especially the second picture below. He looks so cozy and snug! We know nothing about him though, so he is just one of the many plushies, like most of my remaining entries, that just are in my parents’ place in a box.

Front/top:

Back/bottom:

Tag 1 front:

Tag 1 back/Tag 2 front:

Tag 2 back/Tag 3 front:

Tag 3 back/Tag 4:

Song of the Week #152

Title: Watashi no Uso
Artist: LilyPichu and Albert Chang
Album: Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso OST (2017)

This week’s Song of the Week writeup is from Bodhi, or BodhiSearchTree, as you can see from his intro below! This is my first Song of the Week segment from someone not in my main Discord server or from LotRO, though technically someone else has wrote one for me too but I’m using that as a backup for a week where I am unable to trick anyone else into writing one.

A bit of a bookkeeping note before the article below — the title field above is the name of the actual song, but because the story below is more about the specific piano rendition than the song itself, I credited the artists of the YouTube video instead of the composer of the actual song. Yet, that sort of video is never part of an album or anything, so I left the original OST in the album field. Yet yet, the year that I picked is from the published date of the YouTube video instead of the actual song.

Anyway, the video is now also backed up in my deep archives, and please enjoy the story below from someone I consider a good friend and am honoured to have received a precious memory from! (I also learned that he still reads my blog even though it has been a while since I talked to him about it — I appreciate this very much, and I know you’ll see this, so yahallo!)

Yahallo, everyone! I’m BodhiSearchTree, a friend of Shiara‘s from the Chihayafuru Discord server. My username is a pun on Bodhi tree in Buddhism and “binary search tree” in computer science, a reflection of my background as a Buddhist and a programmer. But my friends call me Bodhi, a nickname I’ve come to cherish. 🙂

When Shiara asked me to write about a personally meaningful song for her blog, I was delighted and honored. I felt like I was asked to make a guest appearance on Shiara‘s talk show, haha. Waku waku! (Cue excited Anya noises.) As Shiara might tell you, I can be quite dramatic. 😂

Tonikaku! Immediately, I knew I wanted to choose an anime song. I only discovered anime fairly recently as an adult, but it has since become an integral part of my life. From the heartfelt stories and creative humor to the cute characters and beautiful music, anime has deeply enriched my life and healed my wounded soul. More importantly, I’ve met so many wonderful people through anime and have made so many great friends like Shiara along the way. Therefore, what better song to choose for today’s write-up than the one that introduced me to anime in the first place?

And that song is “Watashi no Uso” (“My Lie”) from the soundtrack of “Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso” (“Your Lie in April”).

Back in 2017, at a time when I felt trapped, alone, and helpless due to health and family circumstances, I came across this rendition of “Watashi no Uso” by YouTubers LilyPichu and Albert Chang. Immediately, I was entranced by this beautifully tragic melody. I was always a fan of sad instrumental music growing up, but this song was different – never before had I encountered a song that “described” my sadness so perfectly. Something about the ebb and flow of the melody resonated in my heart as each note of the piano danced with the timbre of the violin. As a result, I broke down crying for the first time since I was young. I’ve cried my share through the years, but never as deeply or freely as this moment. It was such a cathartic experience, I found myself coming back to this song almost every day for the next several months, just to have a good cry and release years of pent-up sadness. “Adrift in a sea of emotion / I never knew I could cry an ocean,” I would later write in a long poem to a dear friend of mine.

Despite how sad that sounds, this ended up being a major turning point in my life. “Watashi no Uso” helped me sort out my emotions rather than bury them as I always had. But more importantly, it introduced me to “Your Lie in April”, an anime that I hold near and dear to my heart because of how closely I relate to the main character. Just like Kousei in the anime, I too grew up with a controlling mother who I quietly endured yet constantly defended as people called me “his mother’s puppet.” As a result, “Your Lie in April” gave me the perspective and courage to express my own feelings, wants, and needs to my own mother, who then opened up as well and encouraged me to have surgery to resolve my health issues. And now, just like Kousei, I can proudly call myself an (albeit fledgling) pianist, as both “Watashi no Uso” and “Your Lie in April” inspired me to take the plunge, buy a piano keyboard, and learn how to play piano myself.

Meanwhile, “Your Lie in April” was my gateway into the wider world of anime, which became the perfect avenue for meeting new happy friends, both online and offline. Participating in anime discussion threads on Reddit and anime servers on Discord is how I met Shiara and my other precious online friends. :headpats: And anime is how I came across an anime merch shop as well as a card game store in my neighborhood, both of which have become my favorite places to connect with fellow weebs and anime otaku IRL, hehe. To be honest, I always wanted to be a part of a community like this, so I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of such a sincere and welcoming community as this one. 😊

Arigatou gozaimasu. Thank you for reading. 🙏

Emoji everywhere! It’s good to know WordPress seems to robustly support them, haha. That’s an awesome story, thank you for entrusting me with it! I have not watched Your Life in April myself, though (and arguably “because”) I know it’s considered a tearjerker show by most of the anime community. That story somewhat reminds me of Angel Beats! though, which is another tearjerker show, and that one I actually started watching early on in my anime career, my 16th show overall back in December 2018, after watching a live rendition of that show’s ending song (this video, I believe) by the primary singer of the song, which drew tears from me at the time too. There’s no similar heartfelt story for me to share though, and I don’t like that song enough now for it to have its own Song of the Week article, so here is that snippet instead. And now that video’s safely backed up too!

The piano/keyboard is another instrument high on my love list, that I wish I’ve had the time or energy or willpower or just generally the opportunity to learn, so I applaud him for that too. Perhaps some day I’ll treat myself to a keyboard too. But then again, that flute that I got way back when hasn’t gone anywhere yet either. Maybe the next time I get annoyed at my upstairs neighbours?

I love the directing in that video too, the way the guy appears and then disappears later on. I don’t know the specific OST since I haven’t watched the show but that song, in concert with the rooftop and the partial view of the Los Angeles skyline, elicits in me a sensation of wanderlust.

Memory Snippet of the Week #159

Last week I wrote about Kelvin and Jonathan and our escapades in the an Operations Management competition in high school. I wanted to do that as a build-up to this week’s writeup, even though it’s a much shorter one.

After high school, I went right into University, and while I was not in contact with most of the people from my high school at that point, especially since the style of classes changed in University so that everyone had their own schedule and there were many different offerings of the same course and there were no longer such things as “homerooms”. I was still in somewhat close contact with Kelvin, as we did have a couple of overlapping classes, and I think I might have shared at least one with Jonathan as well, though I’m not certain on that, but outside of working in the same department as Wela for a couple of years around 2008, as mentioned in the next link in this paragraph, and outside of meeting Angie once or twice while around campus, which I remember vividly for some reason, I never saw most of my McNally friends and acquaintances again once we graduated. Except in dreams.

I was also very unsocial in University — I didn’t adapt well out of high school to start off with, and I was also fighting depression at the time since I had figured out that I was transgendered, and working through what that meant, during the summer after Grade 12 and before University year 1. I eventually flunked out after about 3 years or so, which turned out in the timeline of my life to be a very good thing since it landed me at my current job after a brief diversion to a trades school where I studied to become a Computer Network Administrator.

At the time it was a terrible thing though. My memories of my first 3 years of University are mostly around constantly skipping lunch to save money, and skipping classes because I couldn’t bring myself to attend them, and instead holing myself up in the computer labs in the basement of the Busines Building, playing games or working on something or other. I did a lot of Neopets back then, as well as Civilization III, as I remember. And roleplaying on this or that MUD.

It made going to exams and presentations and stuff in smaller classes very awkward, because everyone else would have been there for most of the semester and knew each other, and I would be unfamiliar to everyone else. I also remember my depression and ennui making me late for an exam by about half an hour once, and I panicked when I realized the exam was already under way while I was sitting in my computer lab refuge, which was kind of the icing on the cake as to how my first stint at University went. I believe I still passed that course in the end, though.

Oddly enough, despite failing or barely passing a number of courses, there was one particular course that I remember doing ludicrously well in despite not attending that class very often either — it was CMPUT 272 – Formal Systems and Logic in Computer Science (local), and I got the maximum grade mark in that one, the only time in my first 3 years that I did that. I also remember intercepting the mail from the mailbox during a summer at least once so Mom and Dad wouldn’t see my transcript and realize that I had failed a few courses. Pretty sure that semester wasn’t the transcript I intercepted though, hah.

Anyway, the memory snippet that I wanted to share the most was that in the first year of University, I shared a couple classes with not only Kelvin, but also a girl named Kitty. We shared at least Economics 101 classes together, and possibly a Physics or some other Math one too, and we would sit together. I could tell that she liked me in a polite manner and wanted to hang out more. I never reciprocated though, since I was struggling with my gender issues and had no one to talk to then, so I drifted away from everyone and pretty much had only very basic social contact with the occasional classmate from the second year on.

Wanting to face and overcome these bad memories was one of the reasons that I started taking classes again back in 2019, and I’d like to think that those demons are well and truly banished by now. That second stint of mine at University went a lot better, though it wasn’t without its pain points too, and it was capped off (so far) by that great RSJP exchange trip to Kyoto two years ago. Wow, it’s already been two years huh.

Dreams
Feb 24 2025
  • Snippet: There were ships in a water zone within a game environment, where I could stop, rewind, as well as advance time. There were a bunch of mini stages to complete, and each stage involved killing at least one enemy ship, with the main problem being that most of the enemy ships either needed multiple ships to defeat, or we needed to wait for the enemy ships to drop their guard, which made them invulnerable, first, before hitting them in those precious seconds when their guard was done. That was where my time manipulation skills became useful, to figure out when this would happen and move ships into position.
  • Snippet: I was in a house with my family and there was a potted plant at the bottom of some stairs that led up to a second level of the house. There was initially a small bee lying dormant inside the potted plant, then along came two spiders that defeated the bee by wrapping it up but also basically coated the entire plant in white webs while trying to do so. Eventually, the two spiders left out the front door and we got the chance to retrieve the potted plant and clean off the webs from it, which also unlocked the ability to go upstairs again without feeling threatened by the bugs.
Feb 25 2025
  • Snippet: There was a bandit hideout that I was running around, avoiding little bandit NPCs while AOEing them with my skills. Every so often the level would progress and reset the health of everyone that was still alive, including me, and each time that happened I had to check that I was still hitting hard enough to do damage, and that there were not too many bandits to dodge. There was also an outdoor visiting component, and I remember looking through a doorway and feeling uneasy about missing something once it was removed, but I don’t remember specific details.
Feb 26 2025
  • I was on a map with an upper half and a lower half. The lower half was the ground, with grassy and sandy and stony areas, whereas the upper half was a series of twisting roads that only I could traverse on. I was confined to the upper half while controlling and guiding some friends or allies below to complete objectives within a certain amount of time to progress the story, though I could restart the level if I failed it.
  • There were obstacles and traps both below on the terrain as well as above on the roads, and in particular I remember that levels would introduce things like speed bumps on the roads even though all I was doing was walking along the roads. On the level that the new obstacle was introduced, they would glow red to show me where they are, and then on subsequent levels they would look normal. Some of these traps had to be triggered exactly once as part of the quest, so triggering them more than once would fail the objectives but so would not triggering them at all.
Feb 27 2025
  • Snippet: There were two free-standing, wide, and short stone arches in a large room, and each arch had a single interaction option when I clicked on it that I didn’t want to do. I went off and did some other things first and managed to trigger some changes in the arches so that the next time I returned, each arch had four interaction options instead, which was much better.
  • Snippet: I was taking a long train from China to Mongolia, with a ride time of about two hours. I had noticed when I got onto the train that both directions of the train from the station I was at actually went to the same end station in Mongolia, but I had taken the slightly longer one since my station was closer to one end of the line than the other. Either way, this was the train that arrived first, so it was the one I took. I was worried about going to a new country while on the train and hoped everything would go okay.
Feb 28 2025
  • I was asked by my classmates to solve a math puzzle on the class blackboard between classes, because it came up in a quiz and no one else but me got it right, so people were curious about the answer. Ms Lim was our Math teacher and was supposed to come by with answers but she was tired and languid and didn’t even leave the staff room, much less come to our classroom, that day.
  • I commissioned the left side of the chalkboard to write down the puzzle and solve it. Allen was there writing something but ceded the space once I asked him. The quiz question was about two overlapping circles divided into multiple sections, each one named after a person in class, and how to determine their total area. There was some other detail to the puzzle too but I pointed out that those were red herrings. I showed how to get the area and circumference of the circles using the standard formulas, and then how to get the area of some of the pieces in the circles that represented the overlapping part, and subtracting that from the total.
  • Snippet: I also remember looking down at a maze with a lot of interaction points, each one that either had an item on it or that I could put an item on. I needed to get the total value of all the items over a certain amount to pass the level, and from my mental math it looked like I had done so, though at that point I had not locked in and submitted the attempt yet.
Mar 01 2025
  • I was in a time-based game interlaced with school life. I started off in a school classroom, where people represented individual countries and each country got an attack each turn. The attacks weren’t against each other, but on structures or devices on the sides of the room for points. People could form merges to make larger countries too, or once merged, they could go independent and split off from the main country. I believe there were various reasons to do so, depending if you felt that you could get more points by shooting by yourself, since a merged country still only had one shot per turn and everyone got whatever points their leader got, whereas if you were independent or split off from the main country then you got your own individual shot. I remember being really proud about something and being special somehow, but I don’t remember the context.
Mar 02 2025
  • There was a top-down world made up of hexagonal tiles with little maps at a time where I unlock tiles. The levels were themed, so there was one of a restaurant, another of a school, etc. I could also recruit people, who jumped in to my vehicle tile in a cartoon-like manner, their characters shrinking as they leapt towards the windows or roof of my car.
  • Later on, I remember a Zoom call with several people to discuss rule changes, though I don’t remember the details of this, just the call screen with about 7-10 other people on it.
  • There was also a third-person view part where I took a bus to a new, independent shopping mall in the USA to unlock stuff there. The mall was liminal and musty, with some foot traffic passing through it already despite the shop space not all being filled yet. I and a few other people from the bus entered the mall via an entrance on the second level, and I stood at a railing watching people going down the escalator to the first floor below.
  • My bag was on the ground some distance away from me, and a man who was visiting with his girlfriend tried to steal the bag, but it had a rifle in it, and the moment I saw him take it, I told him to put it back down. He refused, but couldn’t leave the scene due to me, so I called the local cops and also asked them to call the Canadian cops once they arrived, as the Canadian cops had stricter laws on guns. He finally gave up upon hearing that and put the bag down, which acted as an admission of guilt on his part.

Previous Entry

My Diary #179

Next Entry

Bridging Generations 2025

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments