My Diary #190

Dear Tigey,

I spent way too much money this week, and there’s still a few more purchases I need to make.

Entry #190 (May 11 2025)

Table of Contents

Drunken sober…
ට  Life
ට  Games
ට  Plushie of the Week #185
ට  Song of the Week #162
ට  Memory Snippet of the Week #169
ට  Dreams

Life

Although I did spend a bunch of money this week, the biggest purchase I need to make soon has yet to come. As I’ve mentioned here and there in the recent past, I need a new laptop, and although it will be charged against the $1500 from my Personal Spending Account from work, there will almost definitely still be an extra amount that I will have to pay, since good laptops are so pricey. I had several requirements for the laptop that I wanted — it needed to have a detachable keyboard, run Windows, have the ability to do 5G connectivity, have an Intel CPU instead of a Snapdragon one (that has the inferior, for now, ARM chipset), and have USB-A and USB-C ports.

The reason for that is that I had the notion that someday I could maybe find the right parts and put together a lightweight rig that would allow me to stream on Twitch as I walked around, using a DJI Pocket 3 connected to the laptop/tablet as a webcam, which is apparently the “best” way to use it as a streaming video camera (as opposed to a static recording video camera).

Anyway, no such laptop existed, so I had to quickly cede some of those requirements. The USB port was first to go, and I was also willing to move on the detachable keyboard if the laptop was a 2-in-1 convertible laptop instead, but it still had to be lightweight and such, and I wasn’t going to drop the Intel requirement because apparently OBS, the Twitch broadcasting software, doesn’t work properly/natively on ARM architecture yet. Same for other commonly-used apps like Discord.

In the end, I “settled” on a Surface Pro 10 (not to be confused with Surface Pro X) for Business, which is weird because that Surface Pro 10 has a Business edition that has Intel chips and a 5G option, but neither the Surface Pro 9 nor 11 have Intel with 5G options. And the Surface Pro 8 has Intel with 4G option instead of 5G. And while you’d think the 8 would be cheaper since it’s been out longer, it’s also much harder to find outside of random 3rd party marketplace stores on Amazon and such, which I don’t want to buy from, and the ones I did find from more “official” sources were upwards of $2,000. Whereas a brand new or nearly new Surface Pro 10 from Microsoft’s website itself goes to about $2,500 instead, depending on the exact model. And accessories inflate both prices too.

Anyway, I spent Monday and Tuesday wrangling over this, looking at alternatives from Dell and Lenovo and such too, but I kept on bouncing back to the Surface Pro X so that’s what I will probably end up with. It’s a tough, expensive purchase to pull the trigger on though, but I don’t really know if goes on sale very often either, and I do need it “soon” so that I can take it along with me when I go travelling.

I might be going travelling around the province or country within the next two weeks, and wouldn’t be able to blog at all without a laptop. The reason I might be travelling soon is that Satinel has a programming game jam coming up soon, from May 16-26, and we won’t be watching anime and playing AMQ during those days anyway, so if I pick those dates to do the travelling that I wanted to do, we can overlap our times away to minimize disruption of our daily schedules. I might not even stream during those days even if I don’t go anywhere since she’s most of my active viewership on any given day. I’m not sure yet though.

But in the end, I didn’t purchase a laptop this week. Instead, my DJI Pocket 3, which I pre-ordered and paid 20% of two weeks ago, came in this week, so I had to pay the remaining 80% and picked up my new camera. It’s still sitting in its box though. But that was the main purchase that happened this week.

Outside of that, I also picked up a couple of scented memory foam pillows from JYSK this week. I had first visited the local JYSK four weeks ago, and had been pondering this purchase for a bit now, as my pillow is very, very old. These new pillows were $50 a pop after a hefty alleged discount, and following Dad‘s advice I got two instead of one so I could keep one for the future (or for a future guest bedroom). They are only medium firmness instead of being super firm, but that’s fine for me, and they’re both slightly scented too — one with eucalyptus and one with lavender — and so far I like this feature. We’ll see if I still feel that way in a month, or in a year, though.

I also picked up a couple articles of clothing and plushies from Hudson’s Bay this week since their deals got lowered again, and a couple of rugs from JYSK to replace the one I got all the way back in My Diary #041. That rug was starting to disintegrate from the bottom and leave “sand” particles all over the floor, in addition to the hairy fibres also being hard to vacuum and being easy for stray hairs to hide in. It had also been stretched very loose over the years. So it was time for that rug to go. This time, I bought two 2 feet by 3 feet polypropylene rugs (because no shop in the world seems to sell a 3 by 3 or 4 by 4 rug alone, so I bought two of those ones and overlapped them), and those should be much easier to clean and maintain and also slip and slide less on hardwood floors.

I also tried out a new recipe this week when I went to T&T and found an interesting looking vegetable called aster indicus leaves. I googled up a recipe for it and found this Chinese Ma Lan Tou one (local), and tried it with slightly different proportions and sauces. It was great!

I wonder if I can find a cheap house for sale right next to a T&T Supermarket. Mmm.

For the second week in a row, a Kickstarter CD that I had pledged for several months ago arrived. This CD is called Opia by aeseaes, and it even came with a handwritten thank you letter. This is my last outstanding CD currently, with the only crowdfunded thing that I have pledged for and not received being a plushie from Makeship.

Our workplace union’s tentative collective agreement got passed this week, with 88% of members ratifying it. This means that we get a 6% pay raise effective immediately, 3% retroactive to last April and 3% from this April. Also a 3% raise the next two Aprils. This means that a couple of paychecks from now, I need to go try to get pre-approval mortgages again and see what kind of house I can get now though. It probably isn’t much more than before, but it’s probably good to get the exact updated number. And possibly get more than one pre-mortgage this time.

I actually voted against this ratification package though, as I saw a clause that worried me. There are two main unions for us non-executive workers on campus, one for academic staff and one for non-academic staff. I’m in the latter one. They’re in negotiations right now and have not yet been able to come to a settlement with the University and government.

And so, one of the new negotiated clauses for our contract was a “me too” clause that stated that if the academic staff union managed to negotiate a raise higher than 3%, then we would get that too, but if they settled for less then we would not. Without knowing any more context behind it, I thought that sounded really scummy. Like we were hobbling their negotiations and giving the employer reason to say “we cannot give you more than 3% because we’d have to give them the same raise too.” And that the other union could similarly retaliate and write the same clause in for the next bargaining session in about three years too.

So I feel like it was a detrimental clause to have for both our unions in the long term, as neither of us would ever be able to negotiate a raise if the other union was hanging on to the first union’s coattails. But hey, I didn’t take part in any of the negotiations or informational sessions at all and didn’t even read that until the ratification vote, because of general busyness at work, so it’s not like I can say I spoke up about it at any point. It is what it is, and the members of our union voted to ratify it, so that’s that. I’ll just note it in my blog and hope my worries never come to pass!

On Wednesday, I went downtown for a walk and to have lunch. On the way to my chosen lunch place, I saw this interesting store along the way:

This was a cashierless, contactless store called Aisle 24 and the way the store worked, only one person is allowed in the store at a time. The front door was like an airlock — to get into the shop proper, one needs to press a button on their phone app to unlock the door, then go into the airlock area, have the front door close completely behind them, then (assumedly) once the camera detects that only one person is inside the airlock area, the inner door will open and let them in. I’m not sure what happens if more than one person tries to go in at once, or is queued up, but the signs did say that only one person at a time was allowed in the store.

The app itself, which had an abysmally low rating on the Play Store due to what seemed to be technical issues, required one to link a credit card to it, and a $10 hold was placed on my card once I did so. While I was outside downloading the app and setting it up out of sheer curiosity, a woman approached me and asked me to buy her some food because she needed to feed her three kids. I declined apologetically because I’m in no financial situation to do that sort of thing (and there was no supermarket or grocery store nearby except this one-person-at-a-time shop I was trying to get into anyway), and she nodded and wandered away a little bit to wait for her husband to pick her up in a vehicle. I thought the whole interaction was a bit weird.

Anyway, soon enough the app was set up and I swiped my way in.

There were no other humans in the store, though there were two automated checkout scanners in the corner, and I wondered why there were two of them when only one person was allowed in the store at the time. I guess for redundancy or something. Or if someone wanted a second opinion.

I walked around the store a little more and took some photos, but by and large the prices were mostly like a local gas station or the Village Foods convenience store that’s embedded into our apartment complex — many extremely common, extremely overpriced items that were not even Canada-made like the app claimed.

Not everything was like that, I believe I did see a handful of items that are not common supermarket fodder and that were not too overpriced compared to a Google search for those products, but they were few and far between. Overall the store selection and price really sucked. I guess it might be good for people that live nearby late at night or something (but it’s in the middle of a mostly commercial neighbourhood). I left the store without buying anything, requested that my account be closed, and deleted the app. Hopefully I get the $10 hold back soon.

The restaurant I went to was called DOSC, or “Drunken Ox/Sober Cat”, according to their receipt.

Home is where the cat is. I exchanged some jovial banter with the waiter over the course of my lunch hour there, and he said that the store didn’t actually have cats and wasn’t actually a cat cafe. Even though the name of half the restaurant (local) was the Sober Cat Cafe. “Sober Cat” Cafe rather than Sober “Cat Cafe”, I guess! Pffbbbhht.

The ambience in the restaurant was really nice though. Contemporary music over the radio, lots of chairs and tables outside if you like the outdoors, inside near the windows if you like to people-watch like me, and way inside if you just like the cozy interior. There were power sockets next to each table and some people just typing away on laptops next to half-empty cups of coffee.

I ordered the oxtail poutine dish there for $18 ($22 after tax and a tip), and it was amazing. I asked the waiter to send my regards to the chef after I paid and tipped, and before I left.

Altogether, I really enjoyed my visit to this place.

On Thursday, I made my visit to JYSK and T&T, but while at that South Park area where both stores were located, I also visited the Fire Dealz liquidation store there, the one that I had visited twice last month. This was a Thursday again, which was restock day, and on a bit of a whim I took an Uber there and arrived at 10:13 am. The scene looked like this:

Again, lots of people rummaging through the tables, and a lot of people queued up along the side again even though the place had just opened. I rummaged around the tables a little but it was mostly pointless junk in there, even in the first hour after launch.

But then, I started wondering about the shelves along the sides, where some pricier items, mostly electronics, were kept, and a table of electronics that was roped off and mostly accessible only to people at the cashiers. And then I heard over the loudspeaker that they were going to restock the electronics at the front at noon, and the tables at the back at 1pm. I went off to do other shopping in the area, then came back at noon to watch the procession. They roped off the front area so that no one could enter, wheeled a big box of stuff out, and unloaded most of it onto the shelves as a long queue of people watched on.

Then they let people in one or two at a time to look through the shelves.

And all through that time, there was one other cashier open on the other side, nearer the door, for people that had stuff from the tables but did not want to go through the long queue:

So after putting two and two together and chatting with that cashier a bit, I finally realized what was happening. That long queue on the side that I had seen last month on Thursday the moment the store opened, and again today in the morning, and again today at noon, was not a line of people with stuff from the bins to check out — it was a line of people waiting for their turn to scour the electronics and shelves for stuff that they wanted to buy. The first people in after the noon restock, for example, picked up a blender, a leaf blower, and a portable cooler for cheap, all of which had just been unloaded from the boxes. I don’t know how expensive they were, they were definitely pricier than the items at the standard tables, but cheaper than retail.

But to actually look through those shelves of premium electronics and more expensive stuff and pick out stuff to buy, you had to line up and wait your turn. And that was what a good chunk of the people there just came to do. The tables were mostly just overstock garbage, though there were many items that were definitely worth $10 to $20 and some even over $25 if you happened to want them.

It was quite interesting to finally see how it worked. I don’t completely remember what the lady at the cashier that I chatted with said, but I believe she said that they restocked the tables over the weekend too, but the electronics only on Thursdays. She also said she posted instructions and pictures and stuff on Instagram, but I dislike the sensationalistic sort of language they use on their posts (and dislike the Instagram platform in general), so no thank you to following them.

Also as an aside, when I was buying stuff at JYSK, I had assumed that this sign, which was plastered all over the store:

meant that if you spent $59 or more, then they would provide shipping of the item to your place. The fine print says to ask a store associate for details, so I even asked an associate about it and she must have misinterpreted what I meant cause she nodded at my interpretation.

But nope. What it actually meant, I found out at the cashier, was that you could spend an additional $59 and they would get their shipping guy to arrange a date and time to ship your bought items to you. There was no free shipping at any price. So since JYSK was my first stop of the day, I told them I would still buy the pillows and rugs but had to leave them there until I had finished my grocery shopping (and levelled up my understanding of Fire Dealz), at which point I could then come back and pick those items up and Uber myself and them home. They thankfully were perfectly OK with that plan. She also confirmed that the “closing down sale” would last for quite a while and that JYSK would likely still remain open till at least the end of the year. All the way from April and May if not before!

I also already briefly noted that I bought a few things from The Bay this week, but here are some associated pictures for my continued catalogue of liquidation pictures. The sale levelled up this week after not moving the previous week, and now we’re at 50% to 70% off.

So the floor for basically every item got pushed up from 40% to 50%. That was pretty huge, and was the reason I picked up a few clothing items that had a sticker sale on top of the general 50% sale. Also, the Hallmark shelf on the third floor, which had been stuck on 15% off every week and never obeyed the sale range, finally went 50% off too.

I might have picked up a couple plushies from there, but not any of the ones on the shelves — these tiny ones cost over $20 at full price and $10 at current price, and that still wasn’t worth it for me. Instead, well, tune in in a couple of weeks!

Talking about the behemoth that is The Bay and the slow death of the one next to my apartment, I noted last week that a billionaire from Vancouver had put in bids to a couple dozen stores in British Columbia, Alberta, and Ontario to save them. A followup article (local) I saw this week suggested that they were stores in Toronto, Vancouver, and Calgary though. Which seems to leave Edmonton’s out in the cold. That’s a bit upsetting. Maybe it’s incomplete information though.

And finally, here are some nice sky balcony pictures for the week. Wednesday May 07 at 9:13 pm, with a wall of clouds along the horizon that remind me of mountain scenery:

Thursday May 08 at 9:23 pm, with a single large raincloud going by in the distance:

Friday, May 09 at 2:09 am, where a large gibbous moon (which the phone camera cannot capture well) shines down upon a very noisy truck going around cleaning the Southgate carpark. Southgate Mall is very irresponsible in general with when they schedule their contractors, their snow plows that run all the way to 2am at times during winter are really noisy instead of clearing the snow earlier in the evening, and even outside of the snowy season they have unnecessary rubbish like this keeping up a bunch of nearby residents instead of doing this kind of thing earlier in the evening.

And later on in the day, Friday May 09 at 9:23 pm, with a single red blemish in the blue, late evening sky:

Games

I continued playing Dungeons of Hinterberg on stream this week. Very pretty and cool game, and now that we’re further into the game, I can see that they built the game around topics like the effects of overtourism, the effect of tourists on the environment, and so on. But at the same time they don’t seem to be too heavy handed on it, since there’s also lots of themes about people needing a vacation and what it means to take one and what you leave behind and how you can change while on vacation. I think.

I shall be done with this game early next week though, and I have a little bit of a dilemma after that as Satinel, who by herself is over 50% of my entire viewership, will be gone from May 16 to May 26 due to wanting to concentrate on a programming game jam challenge, as mentioned earlier. So I have a few options to bridge that gap myself. I could try to start a game with less story but more action, and perhaps one that is more popular than my usual type of game like Dark Souls 1, to ensure that she won’t miss any major RPG story beats before the time she comes back. And a game like that is far more popular on Twitch than my usual fare and I might be able to land a few permanent followers that way too if I’m lucky. Soulslike games would take me forever to play and finish though.

Or I could play Persona 5, as I’ve already played the first 40% or so of the game before on stream (and the first 60% or so off stream) and Satinel probably more or less still knows it and would be able to wander back into the stream once her programming gig is over. That would let me slay a long-standing unfinished game demon. Though Dark Souls technically is one of those as well.

If I can swing it I might also arrange a couple days’ vacation first though, and see if I can go somewhere around the country and do something, then come back and start playing something new. But as mentioned above, I don’t even have a laptop to bring along with me, and I don’t like going travelling without one. So maybe early next week I will bite the bullet and pull the trigger on one, expensive or otherwise.

Off stream, Satinel and I played a bit more Dark and Darker this week, but the game has more or less lost its lustre for me. Besides my dislike for gear itemization that I have previously mentioned, there just isn’t a lot of point in playing PvE — there’s no really interesting or valuable loot that you can get with any sort of regularity, and all the quests want items that basically only drop from PvP zones now. A major problem the quests have as well is that a lot of the items are Looted only, which means the player completing the quest has to be the one that finds the item, and a lot of the item drops from mobs and such seem utterly useless outside of quests or crafting pointless and expensive recipes with random affixes, which in my opinion renders large swathes of item drops completely useless. And I have not found crafting anything to have any sort of point at all, when you cannot see random effects on gear until you create them. It’s such a terrible system.

I believe in other similar games, you can usually either find an item or buy it for your quests, so there’s always a market for you to sell extras of those items that you find once you are done the quest. This makes it always fun to go around and loot stuff because you might find something valuable. Here there’s no such feeling, all you can really find in PvE outside of boss drops is vendor trash for generic gold coins.

I also picked up and played a bit of a game called Hero’s Adventure: Road to Passion. It’s been near the top of my to-try list for several Steam sales in a row now, but never made the cut, but it was on sale this week and I had some spare time so I wanted to try it. It’s fairly interesting, but its English translation is still a bit rough around the edges. Mostly playable, but a bit annoying,

Plushie of the Week #185

So last week, I went to scout around at a few of the shops selling Squishmallow plushies, both at Southgate and also at Kingsway when I went to visit that mall. Claire’s surprisingly was having their 2 for 1 plushie sale again. Southgate:

Kingsway:

But I found out that their 8-inch Squishmallows were actually on sale for $25 each normally, instead of the $15 that they normally are at both London Drugs and Indigo Spirit. So Claire’s “2 for the price of 1” sale actually seemed fake to me at first, compared to the other aforementioned stores, as though they were inflating the price and then giving them away 2 for 1.

That being said, upon doing more research, I did find other stores that sell some for more than the $15 price, like Mind Games at Kingsway Mall sells their 8-inch ones for $20-$25 too, and one of the music stores there (why doesn’t Southgate have music stores?) sells theirs (why do music stores sell plushies?) for $18-$20, and they’re all different Squishmallows for the most part. So there are maybe some Squishmallows that are worth more due to rarity or something, though I still mostly expected the ones that are in retail stores to be all around the same price.

I’m almost beginning to see a sort of class imbalance here between the plushies though — like upper class Squishmallow elite who get sold in boutique stores, and the lower class Squishmallow commoners who get sold in other types of retail stores. Huh.

Anyway, I didn’t bite on most of those that I saw while shopping around, but when in Indigo Spirit in Southgate again, I was digging around their shelves and found another Squishmallow plushie on a discounted sale, so it was going for $6.99 instead of their usual $15 or so.

So it’s mine now. Meet Kepler (local). Total price: $7.34 CAD, acquisition date May 01 2025.

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Song of the Week #162

Title: Idol de Yokatta
Artist: Karenna Ivory
Album: Idol de Yokatta (2022)

This week’s entry is by Zian! It was a bit tricky to coordinate this one since we live in opposite timezones, but Zian is someone I have the utmost respect for ever since meeting her back in RSJP, so I was very excited when she agreed to contribute a writeup of her favourite song to this blog. Neither English nor Japanese are her primary languages, yet she has no problem putting herself out there and crossing cultural borders, and I never had an issue talking to her mostly in English with occasional forays into Chinese or Japanese while we were hanging out together in Kyoto and Osaka and Omi Hachiman those lovely summer days back in 2023.

I put Romaji and English translations where appropriate in her section below though — those are denoted by the purple commentary. Otherwise I more or less left what Zian wrote intact. The translations in question were taken from this fan site (local).

《アイドルでよかった(I’m glad to be an idol)》(Idol de Yokatta) is the song that got me into idol music, and of course, into the idol group 可憐なアイボリー (Cute Ivory) (Karenna Ivory). It is not only my favorite idol song, but one of my favorite songs of all time.

The first thing that caught me was its melody, from the verse to the chorus, everything lay upon each other, and when the strings come in just before the chorus, I got full body chills, almost everytime. I know it’s the burst of emotions, and even without going into the lyrics, I can fully feel that. The design of not having an intro or outro is quite special, like telling a story. And I love how it started relatively quiet and after a series of ups and downs, returns back to the calmness, just like how everything in the world is like.

But this song didn’t just sound nice, the lyrics really connected with me, it saw me. This song is like a letter to the fans of this idol group, but it spoke to both the part of me that loves to sing and dance, and the part of me that finds strength and comfort in being a fan.

踊ることが好きで (Odoru koto ga sukide — I love to dance)
歌うことも好きで (Utau koto mo sukide — I love to sing too)
褒めてもらう度に少し調子乗って (Homete morau tabi ni sukoshi choushi notte — Everytime you praise me, I become a little better)

That’s exactly how I feel. I love dancing. I love singing. And yes, I sometimes get a little carried away (The perfect Chinese word I want to say is “飘飘然” (PiaoPiaoRan — smug)) when someone praises me for it. It feels good to be appreciated for something I truly enjoy doing.

When I perform, I feel alive. I’m generally a bit shy in front of people I don’t know well. But once I’m singing or dancing, I become someone more confident and more vibrant, even if I don’t know anyone from the audiences. People often say I seem like a different person when performing. Music brings out the expressive and emotional part of me that’s usually inside in front of others.

君の前に立つと笑顔になるんだよ (Kimi no mae ni tatsu to egao ni narun dayo — Standing in front of you makes me break into a smile)
さっきまでの緊張まるで嘘みたいだ (Sakki made no kinchou marude uso mitai da — The nervousness I felt just now seems like a lie)
ほんと楽しすぎて終わらないでほしい (Honto tanoshi sugite owaranaide hoshii — I am having so much fun, I do not want it to end)
同じ気持ちならば僕は嬉しいです (Onaji kimochinaraba boku wa ureshii desu — If you feel the same way, that makes me happy)

It’s exactly how I feel when I perform—when I stand in front of others, the nerves melt away, and joy takes over.
And as an audience member watching idols on stage, 同じ気持ちならば僕は嬉しいです (“If you feel the same way, that makes me happy”) (Onaji kimochinaraba boku wa ureshii desu) becomes my response, too. When idols smile, cry, or share their hearts, I want them to know I’m with them. I get the emotions through their performance, and I have also my understandings.
I’m really happy and hope that it won’t end, I feel it so many times both as a performer and an audience/fan.

顔馴染みの君と 初めてのあなたが (Kaonajimi no kimi to hajimete no anata ga — The you who’s familiar to me and the brand new you)
仲良しになるとか素敵じゃないですか? (Nakayoshi ni naru toka suteki janai desu ka? — Isn’t it wonderful to become close?)

As I’m living overseas and isn’t fluent in Japanese, I always thought I’d never be able to connect with other カレアイ (kareai) (Nickname for Cute Ivory) fans. Because most fans are in Japan, many are older men, and I’m a university student in Australia.

But during a short trip to Japan, something amazing happened. I met 丸いメガネさん (Marui Megane-san — Mr/Ms Round Glasses) during a 対バン (Taiban — Multiple-band live concert, similar to this one that I went to) of 可憐なアイボリー (Karenna Ivory). We don’t have much in common on the surface, but we clicked instantly because of our shared love for 可憐なアイボリー (Karenna Ivory). That was a moment that felt almost impossible, and yet it was real. This song isn’t saying something in imagination, it really is something real, life has delivered it.

But what made this song truly unforgettable for me were these lines:
日常戻って辛い明日だって (Nichijou modotte tsurai ashita datte — Even if it is hard to return to our everyday life tomorrow)
今日の事を思い出して (Kyou no koto wo omoidashite — Remember what happened today)
When I’m exhausted after a long day of studying, when the world feels cynical or overwhelming, singing or watching a performance gives me that brief, beautiful pause. It’s a moment of refreshment, and I can have the energy and strength to continue doing work or whatever.

歌う意味を 踊る意味を (Utau imi wo odoru imi wo — The meaning of singing, the meaning of dancing)
汚れた未来でも愛そう愛そう (Yogoreta mirai demo aisou aisou — Even in a tainted future, let us love, let us love)

描く意味を 目指す意味を (Egaku imi wo mezasu imi wo — The meaning of drawing it out, the meaning of aiming for it)
腐った世界でも愛そう愛そう (Kusatta sekai demo aisou aisou — Even if it is a rotten world, let us love, let us love)

Even when I see how broken or painful the world can be, I still choose to love it. And singing and dancing is what helps me do that. To me, 描く意味 (Egaku imi — the meaning of drawing it out) is the meaning of drawing a future, and 目指す意味 (Mezasu imi — the meaning of aiming for it) is the meaning of having goals. They’re not about chasing perfection, but about choosing to love the world, even in its messiness. Music reminds me that feeling emotions, whether good or painful, is what gives life its richness.

《アイドルでよかった》 (Idol de Yokatta) is framed like a MC message from the idols to the audiences. But it became something so much more for me. A message that reminds me why I love music, why I sing, why I watch, why I keep going.

Even when the world is tired and the future feels uncertain,
You can still sing.
You can still dance.
You can still be yourself.
You can still love it.

Thank you, Zian, for the beautiful writeup! I love the artistic point of view and the line-by-line breakdown of the song and why it is so meaningful to her. I like idol music too (though largely within the context of anime-related songs), and was familiar with the name of the idol group from Zian mentioning it in the past, but I hadn’t actually listened to any of their songs until now. This song was apparently arranged by HoneyWorks, a musical group that Zian, Satinel, and I all really like, and a lot of their music focuses around love stories and ballads.

This song to me is very “pure”, not only in terms of the lyrics and vocals but also the melody and progression. And from my point of view, this does describe what I know of Zian very well too, she’s not afraid to try new things, and not afraid to make friends, and even now in Australia I believe she’s joined an acapella band to further pursue her love of music!

From my vantage point, the memory of our time together that sticks out the most in relation to this song was when we went to the karaoke booth in Kyoto together, and she serenaded me with some of her favourite Kiroro songs there. To the point that I eventually even ended up buying a couple of their CDs too. I hope someday Zian releases her own CD, and at that point I will be demanding an autographed copy of it!

Memory Snippet of the Week #169

The start of my work career was a little weird. I’ve talked about my University student time a little bit already, but I actually had one more stop after University and before the start of my first job. The reason was that, by the end of my third year there (Fall 2002 to Winter 2005), I failed enough courses that I got the dreaded RTW letter from the University — RTW, or Required To Withdraw, meant that I lost my student status and was not allowed to take classes for at least a year, but then I could do a Fresh Start thing again after that if I wanted. I did try to appeal this, and went to talk to someone in some office somewhere, but he didn’t accept my depression reason because I hadn’t gone to a doctor and gotten any sort of diagnosis. How could I? My parents had no idea at the time.

My parents were surprisingly not super upset about this, though I don’t remember what that conversation exactly entailed. They told me I could go start work, and Dad took me around to go print out a hasty resume that I drew up. I remember applying to be a tech at Best Buy and Visions, but I wasn’t really super interested in those because, well, depression. They never called me back anyway since I had no experience. Dad also suggested going to do some painting jobs or something, which well, same thing.

Thankfully, life had other plans. I was down in the dumps at the time, but I got a second wind one evening when I was browsing the website of NAIT, our local polytechnic college. There was a course I really liked the look of, a one-year course that was far more focused on what I wanted to do instead of the Computing Science route that the University offered, which was mostly just programming. This course was called Computer Network Administrator (local) (CNA), and it was a 1 year certificate course with an option to continue into a second year afterwards for a diploma or something. I never did that second year though. We were also encouraged to take some certification courses separately if we weren’t going to take the second year course (I think the second year course also came with them), but I never did. Never had the need to, since my work did not require them. I could easily have acquired four or five of them at least if I wanted to though.

But I almost didn’t even get in to this course. By the time I found out about the course and decided that this was the best plan for my life, it was only a couple of weeks before the start of the semester and the administrator I emailed, Rob, told me that the course was full. However, he said he’d let me know if a spot opened up. And one did! Two or three days before the first class, he emailed me to tell me that a spot opened up, and Dad took me down to NAIT the next day to pay my school fees. I was saved from a life of painting roofs. And in the end, even the three poor years I had put in to the University helped me, since I think at the time I used them as “post-secondary credits” to pass one of the prerequisite qualifications for the program.

This CNA certificate course was very fun. There were about two dozen students in the class, although there was only one girl in the class (plus me being transgendered, but I wasn’t out or anywhere near to transitioning yet so no one knew), and the class style was a lot closer than what I was used to in Singapore — we stayed in a classroom, and the teachers came to us. A huge difference though is that for this course, we did one course at a time — from morning to afternoon, 5 days a week, complete with assignments, tests, and exams. And then once we finished that course, which usually took about a month or so, we got our grade for that course and went on to the next one right away. It was basically a bunch of compressed crash courses lined up one after the other.

But more important than all that, I really enjoyed the curriculum. It was like I had finally found fun things to do. Our courses are actually listed on my transcript from NAIT. and they were as follows: PC Fundamentals, Microsoft Operating Systems I, Novell Operating Systems, Introduction to Networking, Network Management I, Linux +, Microsoft NOS II, Internetworking, Communication Skills, Network Communications, and Professional Development. We had our own assigned desk computers in the classroom, preloaded with whatever computer image we needed for the current course, as well as textbooks for each course. Even by that time Novell had already fallen out of fashion, so I thought it was quaint and weird that we were doing that for a course, but it was nonetheless fun to be able to say afterwards that I had experience in Novell Netware.

I even still have a list of all my teachers and instructors that taught me at least one of those courses. A lot of those names I have not heard in years, but are very familiar to me now that I’ve seen the list again. Let’s see how many false hover text entries this triggers. Rob Wilson, Warren Dickie, Ralph Worgul, Scott Empson, Colin Polanski, Lawrence Rodnunsky, Peter Kerswell, Terry Pearce. Those were my teachers back in that 2005-2006 CNA program, and they were excellent.

For each course, we’d work through the textbooks and have tests on each chapter which I remember that I would study for on the way to the school and back, because one thing I did to make myself motivated for this was that I told myself that I would allow myself to not do any homework or studying at all at home, in order to preserve my night time gaming fun, as long as I worked hard and completed everything during the day. I arrived a bit early, went to the common area computer lab to work on things, did my classes, then took a bus of some sort home, where I wouldn’t touch a book again until the next day on the way to classes.

This worked really well — given what I considered to be a second chance at life, and a fun one at that, I got straight A+’s on every single class in both semesters except one, which was a presentation, using that strategy. I didn’t tend to do well in presentations anyway due to my accent and generally being a mouse at that time. As I remember, I did a presentation on the use of browsers on the NAIT computers and how I had found an exploit in them that allowed me to browse the “locked down” machines and view other people’s cached files and emails and such.

This exploit was that while the NAIT public computers had been locked down so you couldn’t just open My Computer and browse the filesystem, but the web browsers were run with enough privileges that I could do a File > Open (or possibly navigate to a website that allowed an upload and open the file browser from there), and then right click in that window and pop open a regular Windows Explorer window. The computers did not clear their cache and refresh their images until they were rebooted, so I could do that, navigate to the Temp folder, and look at people’s cached email pages and other places that they had visited. I still remember reading a cached email from a girl having a conversation with another girl and joking(?) about bringing along sex toys to a party they were having with a third girl because that third girl was overly shy. Or something like that.

Anyway I presented on the vulnerability there and only got an A for it instead of an A+. Every other course gave me an A+, including my 2 month work practicum at the end, and I ended up with a $500 scholarship award at the end of the year as the top performer in class. I was really proud of that. I never actually used any of the stuff we learnt in the job that I ended up in though. Except for a very little bit of Active Directory and a very little bit of general networking stuff, both for very short times.

I have several other memory snippets attached to this time in NAIT which I will dump here. One was that I made good friends with the people around me, including Felicia, the single girl there, Richard, the only other Chinese guy there and who was on my immediate left, and Salman, an Indian guy who was in front of me. The four of us sat in a square of adjacent desks and became friendly with each other.

A second snippet was that the rice bowls that they served in the school cafeteria that we went to eat at every lunch hour were REALLY good. Good enough that I looked forward to lunch on a daily basis. I think they were made by students who were in a culinary course at NAIT.

Yet another was that one of our instructors used to joke about a Meat Cutting course that NAIT offered, and that if we failed this course then that one was always an option as well. I don’t remember exactly which instructor it was though, though I have a guess, but it was always made in friendly jest, sort of how like some people joke about Underwater Basket Weaving courses, and I don’t think he ever looked down on them for reals, so I don’t want to name him just in case.

Next was that one of our exams involved Cisco routers, and the instructor had always said during the classes to be careful to not accidentally type a specific command without a parameter on them as that would wipe the entire router’s firmware. Our final exam for that course was a practical exam, and was a group one at that, and fortunately or unfortunately I actually managed to accidentally type out that command and wipe out the entire router’s firmware even though I was supposedly the “top” student in the class. The teacher made fun of me and wrote on the whiteboard that our team got -20 points or something. However, because we had two routers, I just connected the two together and copied over the firmware from the second one to the first one, restoring it, and that garnered praise for him, and he put a +19 below the -20 on the board to restore most of our points. I don’t think those points actually meant anything though, we weren’t actually being scored on the whiteboard or anything and we did finish our assigned tasks, so no harm done in the end. It was close, though.

The last one was that I had collected (almost) everyone’s email addresses and other details on the last day of school, as part of “networking” and to try to keep in touch with people after, but when I tried to float the idea of a reunion 6 months after and emailed everyone about it, only a couple people ever replied and only one other person turned up in the end when I said I was going back there on so-and-so day to see the instructors again. I did see a couple of them again and said hi to them, but that lack of interest from my cohort means I never went back after or ever emailed them again after.

Yet, I knew that our department at the University of Alberta actually hired several CNA grads over the years to work there too, and many years later, when reviewing that class list again, I noticed that one of the members on that roster was actually on my team at work! It was Jeremy! We were in the same class back then and neither of us had any idea.

There’s actually another memory snippet that came out of this NAIT detour in my life that I wanted to talk about, regarding my practicum, but it’s a fairly significant one that overlaps with the next phase of my life, so I will leave that one for a subsequent week instead!

Dreams
May 05 2025
  • Snippet: I remember being a level 5 or 6 character and being part of an adventuring group in a cave or room. The cave had a number of stalagmites rising from the floor and each one had a level number associated with it. They represented dungeons that needed to be completed, and rest was needed between each attempt, although there weren’t actual dungeons that needed to be done, as everything resolved off screen once the dungeon stalagmite was interacted with. Still, it was possible to lose a dungeon if we were not of suitable level, and we weren’t sure what the cutoff was, we had just finished a level 5 dungeon and we knew we would lose a level 10 dungeon but we tried a level 8 one and that succeeded too.
May 06 2025
  • Snippet: I dreamt of the end of a hockey game where the game was tied going into the final minute but one of the attacking players, as well as one of the referees, noticed an offside and called for the game to be stopped. This somehow led to a breakaway by that player when the game resumed, and he scored on the goalie, causing a wild celebration where he and another teammate were sliding on their bellies along the ice happily while the losing goaltender was also sliding face-down in despondence along with them due to his momentum. The winning team was apparently the New York Rangers, and this apparently felt like a rerun of a dream scene that I had very recently as well.
  • Snippet: Dad and one of his siblings, I believe Uncle Robert, were clearing out Ah Kong‘s old apartment after he had recently passed away, and I was hanging out in the void deck of the building with a couple of other people. There was a telephone set up in the middle of the elevator lobby on the ground floor, and we noticed and later pointed out to Dad that Ah Kong had somehow called the telephone and either left a message or wanted a call back even though he had already passed on.
  • Snippet: There was a large cave with an entrance and exit tunnel, and crates or other things to interact with inside of the cave. A girl was in there adventuring, and I gave her a knife as my very last act before I immediately woke up.
May 07 2025
  • I woke up in a bedroom and then jumped down a little ledge outside my bedroom door, landing on a long corridor without any walls and with a precarious pit on each side of the path. The corridor led to a central living room where I met Gamertech.
  • He pointed out the left window where there were three white clouds, each in the shape of a wide lightning bolt that tapered to a thin point. All three thin points converted on a single point. I noticed that there was another window straight ahead of us where there were also another three clouds shaped the same way.
  • I wanted to take a picture of it, but my phone was back in my bedroom, so I opened my map and selected the bedroom, teleporting back to it. I picked up my phone, then left the bedroom and followed the long, precarious corridor back to the central living room again.
  • While taking my pictures out of the left window, I noticed little spinning tornadoes that kept twirling across the clouds. I raised that as a worry and wondered if we should evacuate somewhere.
  • The scene then shifted to another house where a security guard was packing his things to evacuate. A girl was with him and asked him to escort her to the evacuation point. He was not done his own packing yet, and only had three items or so to go, but he decided to stop packing and brought the girl out of the house and down a path to a guard house where he handed the girl over to another guard, who helped her down a ledge and into a safe zone to the west. The guardhouse guard asked if the security guard also wanted in, but the security guard said that he was going back to finish packing first as the tornado was still some ways off.
  • Snippet: There was an earlier dream where I was standing under a large glass panel that was slowly rotating in the air. On top of that glass panel were a number of TV broadcasters, male and female, sitting around a table and talking about ice hockey and other things as the glass panel slowly rotated.
May 08 2025
  • A train arrived at a station and a bunch of people filtered out of it. There were several mini-plotlines here, one was that Connor McDavid was in tears outside because Leon Draisaitl was about to leave the team and they were good friends, although this was not regarding the Edmonton Oilers and there was a third person there as well who was trying to get the two of them to reconcile and get Leon to sign up again.
  • Another plotline had to do with me running out because I was on my way to meet someone. I ran towards a nearby shopping centre but saw Mom and Dad along the way, who flagged me down to say hi. I was surprised they were there with both my siblings to do some shopping, but I had to run as I was late meeting someone, so off I went.
  • A third plotline was about a girl that was visiting a clothing boutique store after disembarking from the train. She had a couple of friends with her who brought some clothes in from another store for her to try. Two salespeople in the store didn’t like that as they were their competitors, and as she was trying the clothes on and looking at herself in the mirror, they would hang equivalent clothing that they had over the mirror to block her view and try to get her to buy those instead. She got annoyed and smashed the mirror after a couple of times of them doing that.
  • She liked a certain black dress that her friends brought in. However, after being told that it was from the other store, she also refused to wear or purchase it even though they knew that that was a store that she used to like. Apparently there was something wrong with the store now, like it was not eco-sustainable or something.
  • This plotline closed with a reveal that it was a TV show named Sakura Quest, and the girl was a Japanese national who had spent her University years abroad studying and was now coming back to try to save that once-bustling village. She bemoaned a bathhouse store in the same market area outside the cltohing store, as it used to be open when she was younger but was now closed according to a sign hanging outside of it.
  • Lastly, a cartoonish male professor character was nearby guiding a couple of kids into a space capsule where they would all fly off somewhere. There were several animals along with them too, including two giant round bugs that were about as big as my Squishmallows. One of the kids asked if it was necessary to bring those two bugs along too and the professor said yes, they were now friends who had been picked up on earlier episodes of the cartoon show.
  • Snippet: Much earlier on, I had a dream where a conveyor belt went through a building before ending in the middle of a tribal village with short tents that was next to the building. I rode in on that conveyor belt along with a couple of really short natives, and was supposed to try to help them figure out how to draw tourism to their village. But I refused to do this in the end for some reason.
May 09 2025
  • There was a scene where I was with Zian and a couple of others at a University. I forget the overall plotline, but we stayed there overnight for at least a week, and spent two nights doing each of a variety of things. For example, two nights were spent swimming about in the University’s swimming pool under the stars and looking up at them. Another two nights might have been spent in the school cafeteria. I only remember these bits because after the event was over, I also had to recap the event for someone in my dream.
  • There were also day scenes, which involved a boardgame with a square grid filled with pieces, being played between two warring sides, and some overarching plotline between the pieces which we became the personas of. The pieces were mostly circular, and individual units in the armies could be made up of several adjacent connected circular pieces that stretched across several squares on the board, like a snake.
  • The snakes were of varying lengths and had varying skills, for example one of my shorter snakes could vanquish any enemies it ended its turn next to. I had to use that skill to kill a single scouting enemy circle who had gotten behind our lines and was near our base.
  • Somewhere in this dream was also a golem, initially lying in a pile of rocks but getting up when someone got near, similar to the golems in Dark and Darker.
May 10 2025
  • I was living in a building that housed both my apartment and school at the same time. The school segment of the building was spread over several levels of the building. One scene I remember is going to take my Chinese oral exam, and that level had a cave passage that split into two branches, with each branch having a large cave with a certain conversational topic in it, and several balls hanging over head with other minor topics in it. Going down one branch meant choosing all those topics down that branch. I remember seeing that one side had mushrooms as a topic while the other side had vegetables.
  • Another scene I remember is being about to go out and attend a class in the room across the hall, but I dilly dallied a while and then caught someone trying to break into my apartment by unscrewing the screws on the doorknob and removing it. The knob popped free and this brown-skinned man in a yellow shirt with words on it pushed the door open, but I yelled “Heeeey!” and pushed the door shut on him.
  • Without a word, the burglar put the doorknob back in place and screwed it back in while I held the door shut, and then promptly left the scene. The doorknob was still loose because he could not reach two screws that had fallen into my apartment, so I opened the door and picked up the screws to try to rescrew and tighten the doorknob, while listening to the class in the other room that had now just started.
May 11 2025
  • I woke up in my bed on Chinese New Year, with my parents beside my bed and showing me gifts that relatives from Singapore had sent to us. Mom held up some food, while Dad held up a bag of pristine twist ties. I asked him why we needed a bag of twist ties, and that I had a bag of recycled ones already. There was also a cage next to my bag, and there were three chickens and a pig in it. One of the chickens wandered around in the cage and clambered onto the head of another one, Mom said that that was a guard chicken and I joked that I wanted to eat it.
  • A bit later on, I entered a shop and a girl tried to sell me three slices of cake as part of their Chinese New Year celebration. I had three choices of cream and three choices of topping for the cake, and they were all weird. I picked chili sauce for the cream and dumplings for the topping. The girl said that she didn’t like the chili sauce here but I shrugged at her.
  • Snippet: As part of a school event, a group of us needed to get from one place to another place nearby. I offered to drive Zian and someone else in a car there, although once they both got into the car, I had to slowly reverse and steer the car backwards and forwards a few times to turn it around as it was pointing towards a busy main road that was the wrong way for us to go. This took some time, and I wondered if it would have been better at some point for them to just walk to that other location on foot. It wasn’t that far away. They both stuck with me though. A sports car that was swerving erratically down the road flew by my car, barely missing it as it hurtled towards the main road.
  • Snippet: Earlier, there was a scene I remember where I was talking to two big creatures on top of a wide, circular platform. I don’t remember the context why though.
  • Snippet: Also, I remember talking to someone else about a new upcoming anime. The title was 7 words long and was phrased in the form of a question, and the plotline was about two cute girls and a small plushie which I realized could be represented by Tigey.

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